I think
there are two parts to each of us: who we are day to day, and who we are in our
broader intentions. Second guessing comes when the smaller part—the one
that is at the effect of everything—is afraid of the greater part that’s
forging a new way. -Sonya
Derian
Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions. -Unknown
_________________________________________________________________________________
How much time
do you spend second guessing yourself? Should you have spoken
up? Should you
have gone? Should you
have called? Should you
have said “No.” Should you
have apologized? For a mental lightweight like me, the list is literally
endless. Even without
the curve ball that is Autism, I was destined to a future on a pleather couch
putting some therapist to sleep with everything I rue. Lucky for
you, instead of doing that, I started this blog!
I am Mr.
Cliché, but I have to admit, I find it extremely hard to forgive myself. It is really
hard to let go of a past mistakes. It is very hard to stop
wondering “what if.” It’s hard to
not want to go back and meet myself in the past – and slap myself on the
head. Hard,
For my wife
and I, raising a child with Autism has multiplied both the number and the
significance of things we second guess.
To this day,
literally to this actual day, we still second guess ourselves on whether we
should have noticed Autism sooner. How many times did we
explain some of the early red flags away with “he just needs more time” or “all
kids do that” or “it’s a second child thing?” Thinking
about those days and those times still gives me a pit in my stomach. It
still makes me feel like a fool.
Now, don’t
get all rational on me and ask what would be different today if we had noticed
12 days, 12 weeks, or 12 months before we actually did, because the
rational answer is most certainly nothing. [Who asked
you to crash the pity party with your fancy rational questions?]
[ While I’m
writing in brackets, it seems like an apropos time for a PUBLIC SERVICE
ANNOUNCEMENT. If you know
anyone who has concerns about the development of a child, please read my some
of my earliest posts on the First Signs we saw of Autism WHAT'S IN A NAME and OTHER SIGNS. Please.]
We find it
almost impossible to believe that this cruddy Autism that is imposing its will
on our dynamic little boy is entirely beyond our control. Let me
reiterate that: It is
IMPOSSIBLE TO ACCEPT that WE HAVE NO CONTROL over the uninvited, unwelcome and
unwanted invader that had imprisoned my beautiful blue-eyed little boy in his
own body. Not only is
it impossible to accept it. We will not accept it.
One of the
cruel tricks Autism likes to play is to be completely and totally
unpredictable. From one day
to the next, or even multiple times within the same day, we can experience
dramatic, radical shifts in the Little Man’s demeanor. One minute he
can be calm, serene, clear, and cuddly. The next
minute he can be wild, loud, unapproachable and flailing. Such dramatic
changes are not normally minute to minute, but they can and
do sometimes happen that way.
When you have
a child who senses are extremely sensitive to small variations and who has
severely impacted communication abilities, what do you do when you see a
radical change in his behavior or demeanor. Of course,
you second guess yourself!
Should we
have let him watch that show? Should we let him repeat
a Vivaldi song 50 times in a row? Should we force him to
finish his dinner? Should we
have reprimanded him for that outburst? Should would
let him eat a piece of cake at his birthday party? Should we
make him sit at his seat at dinner time? Should we
give in to his request to play Wii? Should we give him a
third-bath of the day? Or shouldn’t
we?
Of course, as
soon as you think you found the answer to one of those questions, circumstances
change and you second-guess the answer.
But, by my
way of thinking, if you are confronted with a challenge that you have not yet
solved, and you are not challenging your assumptions and second-guessing your
decisions, you have given up. For me, for this Little
Man, for this family, I prefer the lonely, pit-in-the stomach- 3 AM staring at
the ceiling search for answers -- to the serene resignation that comes with
accepting the battle is lost.
Now, pardon
me while I go back to second guessing!
You are obviously an incredible dad to your son. No doubt. I agree and love that statement about not challenging your assumptions and second-guessing your decisions that you've given up. So true. I think all parents second guess - I know that's the one area where I probably do it the most - it is magnified 100 fold in a parent with children with any kind of difference. I know I did. I still have to tell the story of my son - and will some day soon. I asked, and he's granted me the permission to do so.
ReplyDeleteKeep at it. Most of all, work at that forgiving yourself thing. No one's meant to live with that burden.
I love your honesty.
ReplyDeleteAs far as blogging vs therapy, the blog approach is waaaay more economical, trust me. ;o)
"...Vivaldi 50 times in a row..." cracked me up. All too familiar.